Jody's Garage

USEFUL BEER QUOTES

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
-Ernest Hemingway

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin

He was a wise man who invented beer.
--Plato

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol
has taken out of me.
--Winston Churchill

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
--Frank Sinatra

Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
-Gregg T Vulinec

The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're
sober.
--William Butler Yeats

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with
his fools.
--Ernest Hemingway

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
--Catherine Zandonella

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
--Tom Waits

Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.
--Anonymous

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
--Anonymous

I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
--Anonymous

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
--Dean Martin

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
--W.C. Fields

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and
oxygen,for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital
ingredient in beer.
--Dave Barry

All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's
just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
--Homer Simpson

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
--Homer Simpson.

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
--Oscar Wilde

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all
of the time and have the time of your life.
--Anonymous

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying
himself a pleasure.
--Ambrose Bierce

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
--Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When
we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to
heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven...
-- Brian O'Rourke

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it
makes beer shoot out your nose.
--Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention,
but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
--Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
--Humphrey Bogart

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
--Kaiser Wilhelm

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline -it
helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear
weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
--Frank Zappa

I drink to make other people interesting.
--George Jean Nathan

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank
her.
--Anonymous

There once was a man named Sidney.
He drank 'til he ruined a kidney.
He drank and he drank.
It shrank and it shrank.
But he sure had fun now, didn't he?
--Gregg T Vulinec


The hard part about being a bartender is figuring out who is drunk and who is just stupid.
-- Richard Braunstein

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory
to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move
as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the
slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural
selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and
health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the
weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate
as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we
know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and
weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer
eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more
efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."